YOU ARE BEING GASLIGHTED

In response to questions about wokism and declining academic standards, schools have developed a word salad to confuse you and make you feel like the crazy one.

You spent countless hours writing papers, studying for exams, interviewing for jobs, and navigated being a modern woman in the workplace.  You missed friend’s weddings as you labored eighty hours a week in the office worrying you would never find a partner who understood your quirks, but before you knew it, you were married considering diaper genies.  Next, you researched, poured over numerous applications, sat through countless Open Houses, thought of insightful questions to ask during tours, articulated what describes your family ethos, secured recommendations from board members, and sent handwritten Thank You notes to admissions directors.  You were excited and relieved to get into Independent X School!  You bought new uniforms, organized play dates, immersed yourself in the parent volunteer community, and dropped your child off at Independent X School with a little maternal ambivalence but otherwise without a question.  You paid tens of thousands in tuition, paid new student fees, paid Parents Council fees, paid teacher gift funds, paid annual giving, paid for school supplies, paid to attend fairs, dinners, and auction parties, paid for special projects, paid for class parties.  Rinse and repeat.

Yes, yes - you read this same article in The Atlantic years ago.  But wait - keep reading.

Then Covid hit, politics exploded, and you received an email from Independent X School pledging to be a better advocate against systemic racism and recommending you read Ibram Kendi.

Yes, yes – you read many of these articles, too, in every Post, Journal, and Times.  Bari Weiss resonated.  But wait – keep reading.

You thought it was an interesting statement or you agreed, but you were so busy making sure your mother still went to her doctors’ appointments, picking up groceries for your elderly neighbors, and working from home while you helped your child navigate distance learning so your husband could be on endless Zooms, to consider the statement further until you tiptoed to drop off some grapes next to your child who is sitting in front of an iPad in her room Tuesday morning at 10am being told she is an oppressor because of her race.  What?  Did you hear that correctly?  Your child is not even White.  Then you noticed that your child does not have any homework or a way to learn fractions.  You do not recognize even one book on the reading list.  A friend who moved states so her children could go to school in-person tells you her new public school is ahead academically, provides the kids with lunch, and has a free bus that picks up and drops off her children directly in front of their house.  You talk to a friend whose children have graduated from Independent X School, and she confirms that her children were not prepared for the next level.  She had to spend an unexpected additional sum on tutors on top of the tens of thousands of annual tuition. 

You (Y) are shocked about these revelations so you apologetically make an appointment with the headmaster (H) regarding some questions you have about school.  Your meeting with your headmaster went generally like this:

Y:      Where can I find our curriculum set out?  I looked at the website, and I could not find anything that states what each grade reads and learns and the programs used.

H:      I realize this is an issue, but we have to be patient.  I hope to have this completed soon, but it is not going to happen overnight.  I do want to impart so that you understand clearly that curriculum is not just about what is being taught.  Right?  It is not just about what our children are learning, it is how they are learning it.  The process is equally as important, if not more so, than the outcome.

Y:      I heard my child being told she is an oppressor.  I am concerned critical race theory is being taught to the children and the consequences it could have on them.

H:      Let me be clear, critical race theory is absolutely not being taught in the curriculum at Independent X School.  We have students of every racial background and every socio-economic background.  One isolated statement is not indicative of our curriculum here at Independent X School.  Education is an ever-evolving field, and similarly each child evolves throughout his or her or their life.  You have to trust us.  Everything fits into a larger picture in creating a whole child.  The content of the curriculum is less significant.  It is about being a good communicator, a good collaborator.  We are preparing our students to be good people, so that eventually they will go out and become leaders in their broader communities in the future.  They are being taught to consider the greater life questions with empathy, humility, and patience.  Because we are lifelong learners, and we are molding our students to be lifelong learners. 

Y:      I am just concerned about my child being prepared properly.

H:      Of course.  But we should keep an open mind and an open heart.  We cannot be myopic in our understanding of our preconceived views.  You must remember that preparedness is not just about acceleration, about doing pre-calculus at a certain grade level, about getting into Yale.  We value all dimensions of each child – the social, emotional, physical, spiritual, along with the intellectual.  We are not a factory, rather we are cultivating whole children who will change the world.  We teach our students to dream and prepare them to think critically.  The educational experience is the experience of education - to build the character of students to take on the world’s greatest challenges.  At Independent X School, we seek not just to teach about geometry but to inspire adventure and wonder while nurturing and challenging students to develop the character, creativity, and a solid foundation of skills and concepts for continuing education beyond our walls and into the global community where they can lead equitable lives.  Do you understand?

Y:      Um, okay.  It’s just that my child has been saying school is so easy it’s boring.

H:      That is just your child’s perception.  In reality, this shows that we are succeeding at our job of teaching your child what she needs to learn.  It tells me that we are teaching her the intersection of education and how we are teaching is coming across.  Education does not need to be consumed at rapid speed but unfolds over a lifetime.  Our educational journeys are ongoing; they never end. 

Y:      But…I also feel as though the work is not as challenging as it used to be or rather should be?  Will she be able to move on and progress at the next stage?

H:      That is your perception.  We know our system is working.  An Independent X School education forms a generous spirit.  Remember, our goal is to make good people.  The proof is in the graduates.  You can rest assured that upon graduation from Independent X School, our students make an impact on the world.  It is with this energy that we are commencing the school year.  It is with this dream that we welcome your child back into the classroom.

Y:      Will we have any avenue to hear from the administration and ask questions?

H:      No.

Y:      Oh, is there a reason…

H:      (Interrupts.)  If you have any questions, I would be more than happy to answer them for you.  We do not need to take up the time of the administration and all of the parents just for your questions.  I encourage you to contact me.

You leave the headmaster’s office thanking her for her time and apologizing for asking so many questions but confused about what you just heard.  What just happened?  Were your questions rude?  Were your questions unreasonable?  Are you really the only one with questions? 

NO!

You are being gaslighted.  Gaslit?  Gaslighted.  This meeting was not about you.  This meeting was not about your questions or concerns.  You did not receive real responses.  Your headmaster has been trained to use a word salad to confuse you to think nothing is wrong.  Independent X School is a shining beacon in the world of education!  Trust us!  Your child does not need to know long division!  Shakespeare is no longer necessary - language has evolved!  The bonds of intersectionality transcend covalent bonds!  Your child will be a global citizen changing the world!  Independent X School is an educational leader!

None of this is true.  You should not simply trust your school over your own eyes and ears.  Your school is teaching what is loosely known as critical race theory or more aptly called “successor ideology.”  The academic standards have decreased.  You are not crazy for questioning what is happening.  You are being bullied into questioning yourself.  You are not the only parent with these questions.  This is happening at nearly every independent school across the nation. 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!